In the Presence of Presents

I wanted to wait until the “return season” was over before addressing something that has gnawed at me for well over half a century.  Gift-giving.

Don’t get me wrong, I love giving gifts.  I love giving friends gifts.  I love perhaps even more, saving as much as I can, and then giving gifts to people I don’t know in the form of as many charitable contributions at the end of the year as I can possibly manage.  But today I want to talk about giving gifts to friends. 

What’s the point?  I mean it.  I would ask us to ponder it.  What’s the point?  For me, the point is a show of affection and appreciation.  My favorite gift to give is something that seemed to call a friend’s name as I passed it in a store, and I said to myself, “I bet so and so could use that” or  “I bet so and so would get a kick out of that” or “I bet so and so would really enjoy that.”  And then the agony.  Do I really have to wait for a “special occasion” to give it?

For me, for a gift to be a gift, it should be a “free-will offering” … which is why I have always rebelled against obligatory gift-giving.  I rebel against giving gifts at birthdays (in point of fact, I rebel against “celebrating” birthdays for anyone over the age of twelve, but that’s for another day).  I rebel against giving gifts at anniversaries.  And worst of all, I rebel against giving gifts at Christmas, or whatever holy day or holiday calls to you from your spiritual path.

Apart from the question of whose birthday are we celebrating (if you’ve never heard the Christmas sermon from “The Bishop’s Wife” rent the movie!!) and pondering whether  Jesus might just prefer gifts to alleviate poverty and hunger on his birthday rather than giving Uncle Frank a new power tool, I’d like to ponder gift-giving as an industry.

Is it truly a gift, if it’s mandatory?  For myself, I know that the gifts that warm my heart are the gifts the come from nowhere.  And the gifts I truly love to give are gifts from nowhere.  Sometimes those gifts will receive a baffled look.  “What’s the occasion?” I’m asked.  And my answer is the same.  “No occasion.  I saw it, thought of you and wanted to get it for you.” 

But especially at Christmas, what an industry we’ve developed.  Please, take a moment and ponder what it says about us, not about Jesus, or Chanukah or whatever but about US that December is such a crucial “gift-giving” orgy that much of the retail world lives or dies based on what it can sell for the holidays?

And if a gift is a true gift, a gift from the heart, what does it say about the mind-blowing industry that has developed in gift returns.  Please, ponder it.  Someone gives you a gift from the heart and your response is, “Well, I’d rather have something else.”  And you return it to get something else.  This has become such a part of our culture that we just accept it.  Which is why, yet again, I ask that we ponder it. 

Why do we give gifts?  This past year especially, it’s been made to seem a patriotic duty.  “Give more and help the U.S. recover!” 

I want the U.S. economy to recover as much as anybody.  But is this the purpose of gifts?

If so, I’d offer another solution.  Let’s call it “Friend and Loved Ones Appreciation Year.”  Let’s be on the lookout, all year.  No particular day.  No particular month.  But be on the lookout, and when you see something that a friend you appreciate, or a someone you love, or someone you admire might like – buy it for that person and give it to him or her.  Not because it’s a particular day or week, but because you saw something, thought of that person and wanted to expression your sentiment.

Very personally, this is where I would love to see gift-giving evolve.  We don’t wait for special days.  We don’t wait for those times when we HAVE to give a gift.  We don’t wait for those times when a gift is expected.  You don’t tell your beloved that you love him or her on that one day of the year when you are expected to remember!  You say it because you’re thinking of her or him.  And if you’re not, then that’s something ELSE to ponder!

Personal rule of thumb: if you feel you have to buy a gift, don’t.  Never go out, spending hours trying to find a gift you “have” to buy.  But on the other hand, or is it thumb J, always keep your eyes open.  If you do, at least in my experience, things leap out at you and say, “George would love this!” or “This is SO Janet.”  When that happens, if you can afford to, buy it.  And don’t wait for a birthday or an anniversary or Christmas.  Give the gift.  Give it because you care, not because you have to.

Lastly, when I was a kid I remember well the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts.”  Perhaps it’s because we realize that with the forced giving at times like Christmas, there’s so little thought behind the gift, but whatever, the idea behind “It’s the thought that counts” has all but vanished. 

But I submit to you that it IS the thought that counts.  Indeed, it’s all that counts.  The value of a gift is not whether it is something you want to acquire.  The value of the gift is in the care and love and thoughtfulness of the giver.   Thus, to return a gift is to misunderstand and indeed pollute the very notion of gift-giving. 

When we give a gift, what’s the point?   Just something to ponder.